Encouragement For Mothers part 02

Chapter 5

Teaching And Disciplining Children

One of the most important things we have to teach our children is obedience to parents (Eph 6:1). As mothers, we can teach them obedience by their observing our attitude to our husbands. For example, if they see us going against Daddy's rules for the home, when he is away from the home, that can make our children rebel against us also one day. But when we are respectful to our husbands, our children will learn to respect us as well as others.

We need to teach our children to be truthful at all times. Our children will easily know it, if we are not speaking the truth at any time. Even at a young age they are able to discern dishonesty.

Let us also teach our children to be neat and tidy. If we are tidy and we keep our homes also in a tidy way, then our children will learn tidiness. When they have finished playing with their toys, they should be taught to put them away.

We must also teach our children not to be wasteful. At food-time, it is best to serve them small portions initially. When they have finished that, then serve them a second helping. That way we can teach them to finish everything on their plate, and not to waste food.

If we ourselves are disciplined in the matters of time, speech, tidiness, eating habits etc., then our children will learn to be disciplined too.

Our children must also be taught to share their things with others, and not to be selfish. When we ourselves are considerate to others, they will learn to be considerate too.

Contentment is yet another precious virtue to be taught. Many children are discontented with their clothes and their toys, because they compare themselves with children from wealthier homes. Teach them the value of contentment by the way you live - and then they will always remember your example.

The first thing that comes to most people's minds whenever we talk about bringing up children is the matter of discipline. How are we to correct our children?

If you do positive things like spending time with them, talking with them, telling them stories from the Bible and other good books, and teach them to put away their things, and help you in the home, you can build them up in a constructive way. Then you won't have to do much correction. But if you leave them alone frequently, because you are always busy doing your own things, then you will find that they get into trouble easily and end up doing many wrong things - and need to be disciplined. So spend time with your children, especially when they are young. If your top priority is your children, then correction will not often be needed. You will then discover that they will be able to handle pressures in their adolescent years and make the right decisions, because you worked hard to lay a good foundation in their younger years.

The golden rule about correction is: Never correct your children in anger. If you are angry when spanking your children, you will end up spanking them much harder than they deserve. If there are marks on your child's body, then your spanking has been too hard. I know that overcoming anger is easier said than done. But we can ask the Lord to help us to overcome it and to discipline our children in a godly way.

Spanking however must be reserved as final form of punishment, when every other method has not worked. Withholding privileges from them is a good way to discipline too - for example, by giving them a "Time out" period, when they are told to sit quietly somewhere, or to lie down in their bed for 10 or 15 minutes. When this period is over, and they have calmed down, you can explain to them why you gave them that 'Time-out'.

We must also bear in mind that children forget instructions very quickly. So we will have to keep on reminding them. Don't scold them and blame them unnecessarily, imagining that they have the mind of an adult.

We must also be consistent. For example, if you tell them not to do something, and they disobey you, and they find that you don't take note of their disobedience, then you are being inconsistent. Then they will continue to do such wrong things. They must know that you are aware of their disobedience and that you take it seriously. Children will try and take advantage of us, when there are visitors in the home. You should take the children aside at such times, and talk to them.

We should not keep on reminding our children about their past mistakes. The Lord's mercies are new every morning - and our mercies should also be likewise.

Don't always be a stickler for laws and rules. At times, you must be willing to compromise and say, "I will let you go this time. I will give you another chance".

When my husband was away from home (sometimes for five weeks at a time), there were many different issues I had to deal with in my children. Some of their disobediences were not serious and so I talked with them and dealt with them, then and there. But others were more serious. So I kept a note-book in which I would write down those disobediences - matters that I felt I needed to speak to them a little more about later. I told them that that I would have to tell their Dad about those matters when he returned. But I didn't want them to look forward to Dad's return with dread, as if a policeman was coming to deal with them. I wanted them to look forward to his return with joy, knowing that he would be coming back with chocolates and gifts for them. So I would take out the note-book a few days before my husband returned and talk individually to them, and describe all their disobediences to them. Then I would explain to them the seriousness of each offence. They would always say they were sorry for each item of disobedience. So I would strike out those items one by one. Finally, there were no items left! Although these were not major matters of disobedience, I went through the items one by one with them, because I wanted them to take the matter of obedience more seriously thereafter.

After they had learnt to write, when they were disobedient, I would sometimes ask them to write down 20 times (or 100 times) on a sheet of paper, that they would not commit that particular act of disobedience again. I hoped thereby that they would recognize that I was not going to ignore their acts of disobedience. As a by-product, I think their handwriting also improved!!

If some matter of disobedience was important for my husband to know about, then when we were all sitting around the dinner table, I would bring it up and relate the incident, without saying who did it! Then my husband would speak words of correction and reinforce what I had said to them earlier. That helped a lot. I wanted to maintain discipline in the home; and I wanted my children to know that disobedience was a serious matter. But I didn't want to be like a strict school-teacher or judge. I wanted them to experience forgiveness just as God has forgiven us.

Sometimes, my husband would discipline the children by restricting them from playing cricket for a day - and cricket was their favourite game!

Children are under law but they must also taste grace from us. If we govern them only by the rule of law, they can end up being rebellious against us, when they are older. They will wait to leave home and be on their own and then they will do whatever they like. I wanted my children to love our home and to see it as a place of refuge in a cruel world, and to always look forward eagerly to coming home to be with us, their parents.

Our greatest need as parents is for wisdom. We must ask the Lord to show us where we have been too strict with our children and where we have been too lenient. And in their adolescent years especially, we must deal with them always with great wisdom, patience and love.

The most important requirement to build a godly home is for husband and wife to pray -individually and together, seeking God's help in everything. We should pray whenever possible - and we can do so at all times of the day, silently in our hearts. We need to pray especially when our children are facing problems. When we are united with our husbands, our prayers will be answered. My husband and I have experienced many wonderful answers to our prayers.

Family prayer must never be turned into a ritual that our children do as a routine matter. That can become boring and they can get fed up with it. They must see that prayer is talking to our Heavenly Father just as freely and as joyfully as they talk to us, their parents.

And finally: Whenever there is unrest in your heart due to any cause - and that can be often - ask the Lord to help you overcome it quickly and to come to rest. If you don't deal with it quickly, disunity and disharmony will come into your home - and that will open the door for Satan to come in and cause confusion. And then it will be your children who will suffer most of all. So, if you love your children, be quick to deal with disunity.

It is only the Lord Who can help us build godly homes. And He stands ever ready to help us build such homes - homes that are a foretaste of heaven itself.

May it be so for all of us.